During the last year I have been rather lax writing in, this, my blog. I could make up some elaborate excuse why I have been blog vacant but to be totally honest it is just because my interests were else where… wait, hold on don’t switch off yet! I just want to apologise to my ‘loyal readers’ for deserting them and cutting short their supply of random Jimbo thoughts, rants and revelations. Thinking about it, I actually miss lovingly composing blog entries letting them out into the wild of the wibbly-net and then seeing the responses come back in the comments.

Of late I have been warming to my trusty blog again, and reading other people’s blogs too. I hope to get back into the swing of things again and start churning out some thought provoking posts again. However, as I say above, if I have not lost your loyalty already, I would love to read your feedback and thoughts on any future or previous posts.

Once again, please forgive me!

“You can’t undo anything you’ve already done, but you can face up to it. You can tell the truth. You can seek forgiveness. And then let God do the rest.” –Author Unknown

Today is World Autism Awareness Day, a day which aims to challenge us to “think differently about autism”. This remindes me about a blog entry I wanted to write about something that opened my eyes recently after reading a magazine article and watching a collection of online video blogs made by an autistic lady.

I have worked in the past with Autistic Children in a previous job I had as a carer in 2005. In this job I learnt a great deal about the different ways in which we can communicate with Autistic children using picture and coloured cards. I have also seen first hand the frustration that can be experienced by both carer and autistic child when they are unable to communicate because they are almost talking a different ‘language’.

The magazine article in Wired Magazine (March 2008 Issue) posed a couple of thought provoking questions about how autism should not be considered a disease, how we should not have the rite to try and ‘fix’ autism and whether autism should be accepted as another part of ‘the variety of life’. Why should we put down a person for failing to speak our language or conform to our ‘normal’ ways while we fail to try and learn the “native language” of an autistic person?

The article goes on to discuss the problems with traditional intelligence tests written in ‘our language’. In the past many Autistic people were considered to have low I.Q. because they could not understand what was being asked of them. It has recently been realised that quite a number of autistic people have small areas of increased ability (mathematics, memory, problem solving) but these have been undetected due to shortfalls in the methods we use to measure intelligence. We would not consider a blind person as unintelligent just because they are unable to respond to a set of written questions, yet we label autistics as lacking brainpower because they can not express what they know, or in a way we can understand.

Following reading the article I then went on to watch a couple of YouTube videos created by an Autistic lady called Amanda Baggs (aka ’silentmiaow’) showing how she communicates with the world. The first of the videos called ‘In My Language’ started off with a woman rocking back and forth, flapping her hands and chanting an spooky hum, going on to stroke and rub her face on various objects. The video then cuts to a translation describing what is going on inside Amanda’s head as she carries out these seemingly bizarre actions. The second video, ‘Disability Characteristics and Political Correctness’, is a commentary by Amanda describing her past as a child, tortured because she was different and her upset of people now walking on egg-shells around her. What is amazing is how Amanda creates these videos, she does not talk but instead uses a computer synthesized voice, splicing together lots of small video clips. From first impressions you would never have guessed that this lady was capable of creating and publishing such content.

Watching these two videos and reading this article certainly changed the way in which I now look at autism and I really hope that you will also watch these videos and that they too will challenge you to “think differently about autism”.

“If Amanda Baggs had walked into my clinic five years ago, I would have said she had significant cognitive impairment. And I would have been wrong.” –Thomas Zeffiro, Neuroscientist

For some time I have spoken about my ‘Man’ List. I want to make it clear that this list is in no way a list of men I fancy but rather a list of males I would consider Real Men! I have tried on many occasion to try and categorise, describe and quantify what qualities are needed to make it onto the ‘Man List’ but I really have not managed to pin it down yet.

The men on this list are not necessarily strong, young or the obvious Hollywood good looking heroes. Over the years many men have moved on and off the list, a number I have simply forgotten and, until now, I have never actually put these names down in writing. So, in order to keep log for all time, without further ado here are my ‘Men’ (in no particular order):

• Frank Butcher (From East Enders)
• Winston Churchill (England’s Prime Minister!)
• Harold Bishop (From Neighbours)
• Trevor McDonald (ITV Newsreader)
• Barry White (The Love Walrus)
• Brian Blessed (Boisterous British Actor)

I am sure there are others but these are all that I can think of for now. I suppose they are all men who you could say have contributed towards the demarcation of men from women, they all possess an eminence which would stand up quite well to miscreants down a dark alleyway and are the sort of guys who I would happily go down the pub with and have a motivating bloke conversation with over a pint of foamy beer.

Feel free to suggest other ‘men’ for the list, although I do not have a hard and fast set of rules as to who makes it, the decision is purely based on my innate man judgement which can make a decision in seconds.

“I’ll tell you what, pal, you talk to me like that again and you’re gonna get a dry slap.” –Frank Butcher (Mike Reid)

We have finally got internet at home again! Claire and I have now moved to our lovely new and bigger flat, but I have had to wait a whole 1.5 weeks to get my broadband transferred to our new address - it has been painful and I will not deny at times I was pining!

This morning a lovely Virgin Media engineer arrived early, tools in hand, and in a flash, had the cable up the side of the flat, through the wall, and into the back of my TV set top box and cable modem. Without delay I excitedly rigged up my wireless router and instantly clicked over to Facebook. Ahhh, it is almost as good a feeling as when you get to have a long awaited wee after travelling on a long distance journey with a full bladder.

Now I can access the internet at blinding 20Mbps speeds again I feel the need utilize it by posting a weighty blog entry, but I don’t really know what to blog about, so I will just pose a question…

What is your favorite joke?
Keep them clean - any dirty ones WILL be deleted! The best one wins a prize!

“A man went to play golf for the day. He took his golf clubs and two pairs of trousers. What were the extra pair of trousers for? In case he got a hole-in-one!” –Jim’s Favorite joke of the day

Another observation I have made recently, is that when ever two females meet, they always greet each other in conversation based around the same basic formula:

Girl 1: “That’s a nice [X] { where did you get that from? | I think I saw one of those in [Y] }.”
Girl 2: “Thank you! I got it from [Y], it was reduced down to [Z]% off in the sale.”

Where:

• X = An item of clothing, bag, jewelery or hair accessory.
• Y = Shop, Newlook, Next Topshop etc.
• Z = Percentage reduction (note never actually revealing price).

It does not matter what age the girls are, or in fact what they are really wearing, this type of chatter will occur, without fail, within the first 5 minutes of then meeting. The question is, do women then actually remember where the article was brought from and then go to the shops to buy one?

The weekend before last Claire and I went to a wedding, and of course this kind on female greeting ritual was in full force with lots of women with new dresses and handbags. It is not that I am complaining, I daren’t, in fact it is better than us blokes who probably just grunt at each other. I guess this girl conversation is kind of like another form of British weather conversation?

“Ma il mio mistero e chiuso in me, il nome mio nessun sapr�! No, no, sulla tua bocca lo dir� quando la luce splender�!” –Luciano Pavarotti, Nessun Dorma

I have recently got a new mobile phone (yes another one!), a Samsung i600 free from Orange. It is a very nice phone with all the bells and whistles.

The phone got delivered to me at work last Thursday, and I quickly removed it from its box like an excited boy unwrapping his new Christmas toy. Like most gadgets, PDA’s, phones, cameras etc. the screen had a protective film. This time I peeled the film off straight away, usually I leave it for a day or two until it gets all curly at the edges and it is hard to read the screen.

I don’t know what it is about that screen film but it appears that most people leave it on for a little while, some people even leave it on for ages which starts to drive me mad as it is begs to be pealed off.

Still on a sticky subject, I used to always leave the prices on my CD’s and DVD’s, I don’t really know why, I guess I thought they may be worth more one day with the prices on, or I feared the nasty sticky gooo which is left after taking the price sticker off. One thing I did learn was not to use nail varnish remover to try and take off the sticky residue - it melts the case! This is something I found out on a PlayStation game I brought for Simon’s birthday a couple of years ago.

How long do you leave your film on? Do you leave the prices on your CD’s?

“Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot.” –Groucho Marx

Why is it the inhabitants of good old Blighty can not survive without some kind of hype (read: crisis) going on? Do we all really want to know that we are in the midst of certain doom, or is it just the media who feel it is their duty to inform us that we all must stock pile our food and each build air raid shelters?

It seems that we have some kind of crisis every season (some new, some return annually), lets run through a few of them…

Summer 2000: Mad Cow Disease
Summer 2001: The housing market will crash!
Summer 2003: WMD!
Summer 2004: Petrol Shortage 1
Summer 2005: Carbon Footprint
Autumn 2005: MRSA Virus in Hospitals
Spring 2006: Bird Flu
Summer 2006: Drought Warnings
Autumn 2006: Cash for Honours
Autumn 2006: Racist Jade against Shilpa
Winter 2006: Flood Warnings
Spring 2007: Premium Rate Phone/Text Scandal

This list could go on and on. Of course I do recognise that some of these issues are very important, but what I really hate is the way we are all brainwashed by fear to the point of incapacity. Instead of just moaning we should act positively and not instantly point the finger at a scapegoat. One of my real bug bears at the moment is that as soon as a Minister, Royal or MP makes the slightest mistake, the media gang up on them with a ‘We run this country’ attitude, calling for them to resign or step down. We all make mistakes (even the media!) if every MP who has ever picked their nose was made to resign then we would not have anyone left to run this great country!

As you may have guessed I am not really a politics man, but I am a very loyal man, loyal to my employer, loyal to my wife, loyal to God and loyal to my country. We voted our government in, I therefore believe we should support them, not slate them, we will get the chance to vote them out in due time. For the time being we should help them, we must let them do their jobs, not bog them down instantly calling for them to resign, we can also help with a bit of constructive criticism.

So back to our certain doom… Did you know that eating food that has been wrapped in cling-film may lower your sperm count, cooking in Aluminium may lead to Alzheimer’s disease and scientists have discovered estrogen levels in our waters are increasing turning us all turn into ladies. Is it any wonder many of us are depressed and constantly looking over our shoulder?

So, for a bit of fun, what do you think the next big hype for Summer 2007 will be? The person who guesses correctly wins a grand prize!

“A good scare is worth more to a man than good advice.” –Edgar Watson Howe - Country Town Sayings (1911)

It frustrates me that every time Claire and I wonder down the yogurt isle in the supermarket, we can never find ‘normal’ full-fat yogurts! There are rows and rows of low-fat, pro-biotic, plastic, mini-pots but no real yogurts that are nice a creamy, why!?

On a similar same note… Another thing that slightly bemuses me is when these low-fat foods say things like ‘60% Less Fat’, but 60% less than what?

While I am at it… Slim Fast, I think they are absolutely stupid, ‘A milkshake for breakfast, a small snack at mid-day, and a milkshake in the evening’ of course you are going to loose weight! Why do many women fall for it and buy them?

Oh, and finally… Us blokes do not find stick thin, size zero, no lumps girls attractive! Why do all women constantly think that they need to loose weight, and not understand that men actually like some curves?

“Besides, if I were gonna kill you I wouldn’t do it with a balloon, it would take too long!” –Desparate Houswives, Series 2, Ep 8

I am going to attempt to document the extremely complicated calculations which are to be run through each time a male goes to a public toilet.

1) Unlike women, men NEVER go to the toilet together; the reason for this not instantly apparent but will be explained later. If another male you know is in the toilet you must wait until he returns.

2) It may be quite obvious but never the less it is important to note that if you need a ‘forest gump’ you use a cubicle, if you need a ‘jimmy riddle’ you would use the urinals. Easy so far.

2) Choosing the correct urinal is very important, and quite a art. To try and explain how such a puzzle is overcome, I will give you a selection of scenarios along with their correct choice of urinal.

There are 6 urinals U1, U2, U3, U4, U5, U6:

• Scenario A - No urinals are in use.
  Urinal Choice: U1 - You use the urinal closest to the door.
• Scenario B - U1 is in use, all others are free.
  Urinal Choice: U6 - Choose the furthest urinal from the one in use.
• Scenario C - U1 is being used by a big beefy biker guy and U6 by a small business man.
  Urinal Choice: As there is no middle urinal in this scenario, you are forced to make some further calculations based on a quick judgement of character of the 2 current users, in this case you would use U4, the furthest from the big beefer but not right next to the business man.
• Scenario D - U1, U4 and U6 are all in use, each by drunken clubbers.
  Urinal Choice: In this scenario you are forced to stand next to someone, U5 is discounted as you would have to be directly between two guys, leaving either U2 or U3 to be short-listed based on the least likely neighbour to spray on your shoes.

The reason why men do not go to the toilet together is because this may interfere with the calculations above, if two men are trying to select the correct urinal at the same time, things may get very confusing.

4) It is a common myth that men do not talk to each other in the toilet, this is not 100% true, there are a few select words which are permitted, these include “ol’right?”, “ta”, “thanks” and “after you” all of which could be appended with “mate”. Not a word should be mentioned nor a head movement made whilst using a urinal.

5) Of course it goes without saying men ALWAYS wash their hands! What they may not do is dry them with towel or dryer after, some men (Simon) may use their trowsers to dry their hands.

So, what do women really talk about when they go to the loo together?

“When someone follows you all the way to the shop and watches you buy toilet roll, you know your life has changed.” –Jennifer Aniston

A few nights ago Claire and I were lying in bed having deep marital discussions on the topic of cartoon characters, two questions were raised:

1. If we are to be a cartoon character, which would we be?
2. How many women cartoon characters are there?

Claire decided that she would be Road-runner (because she is cunning like that!), and myself Danger Mouse (because I like climbing into red post-boxes). However we could only think of a handful of female cartoons, this also dragged up the validity about the blonde Smurfette being the only female Smurf in the village.

Julie also posted a blog entry of further cartoon confusion a few months back, in which she questioned the species of Goofy - it was concluded he is in fact a dog.

What cartoon would you be? Can you think of any more female cartoons?

“The red car and the blue car had a race; all that red could do was stuff his face; he eats everything he sees; from trucks to prickly trees but smart old blue he took the milky way; he’s looking for a chocolate treat; fluffy and light; cos he knows it won’t spoil his app-e-tite; mmm mmm MMMM!; oh no! the bridge has gone, poor old red just can’t carry on; but smart old blue, he took the milky way.” –Milky Way Advert

It makes me laugh each time there is an advert on TV for women’s beauty products, and after studying a few I have noticed a definate formula. The first thing that every beauty product advert should have, above anything, is a totally made up chemical name and that classic line “With xyz technology” some of my favourite random chemicals include ‘Nutrillium’, ‘Boswellox’, ‘Par-Elastyl’, ‘Pro-Tensium’, ‘Pro-V’, ‘Elastium’, ‘Bio-Vityl’ & ‘Collagen’. Another important component in beauty adverts is some totally cheezy model/celebrity who has been dubbed so badly that the words do not even match what appears to be coming out of her lips. The model’s eyes must also have those bright rings in their eyes from the intense lights which are being beamed directly in their face, Claire has also noticed that it is obligatory to have a couple of scenes of slow motion hair flicking.

Now, I thought that I would be a great idea to invent my own silly chemical name ‘Whimbillyoxydren-Y’, and should the likes of L’Oreal, Pantene, Maybelline or Garnier decide to put any ‘Whimbillyoxydren-Y’ in their products I can sue them and get lots of money!

On a similar subject, another observation I have made recently is that every woman seems to hate the Herbal Essences adverts which always contain a deranged woman making orgasmic “oooo, errrr” sounds. So what I don’t understand is why women still continue to buy it, I mean we even have some in our bathroom! Women will always remain a mystery, but I love mine anyways.

“At this time one beautiful mermaid called Nelarrina came to him and spoke to him. Ygg swooned at the beauty of the maiden and fell in love with her. She soothed his cold heart and Ygg became changed.” –Ygg (God of the warring sea storm), Copyright (c) 1997 Ben Staniford

Many of you may have noticed that at the end of each of my blog entries I always put a quote or famous song lyrics, I choose each of these quotes very carefully and they quite often represent my mood, situation or something that has tickled me. Now, I fancy a bit more interaction from this blog so want to ask you all for your favourite quotes? For the full list of all my quotes see my wesbite. Please leave your quotes in a comment, the winning quote will recieve the greatest honour of being published in my next blog entry! Of course in writing about this subject in this blog entry I have just put the pressure on for which quote I choose for it, here goes…

“Crikey means gee whiz, wow!” –Steve Irwin, The Crocodile Hunter

Although I was once quite happy to freely post my thoughts and ideas on both my JLSNet website and MSN Spaces, my point-of-view on posting to MSN Spaces has been slightly changed after the following line from Microsoft’s Terms of Use Agreement for MSN Spaces was brought to my attention:

6. MATERIALS YOU POST OR PROVIDE; COMMUNICATIONS MONITORING; For materials you post or otherwise provide to Microsoft related to the MSN Web Sites (a “Submission”), you grant Microsoft permission to (1) use, copy, distribute, transmit, publicly display, publicly perform, reproduce, edit, modify, translate and reformat your Submission, each in connection with the MSN Web Sites, and (2) sublicense these rights, to the maximum extent permitted by applicable law. Microsoft will not pay you for your Submission…

What I have learnt recently: Microsoft owns your Blogs and can do with them as they please!

“noun, the exclusive legal right, given to the originator or their assignee for a fixed number of years, to publish, perform, film, or record literary, artistic, or musical material, and to authorize others to do the same.” –Oxford Dictionary’s definition for ‘Copyright’

I am not really one for getting stuck into a deep and meaningful conversation about politics, in fact I couldn’t think of a duller topic. But, with the up and coming general election I am getting extremely fed up with Labour and Conservative, the two larger political parties, slagging each other off! In my books they are not doing themselves any favors towards persuading me to vote for them. I am confused as to who has done what, both parties are liars; apparently everything each party has done is rubbish; we are all doomed; they say their policies are rubbish; he is sleeping with his nanny; they will take more tax from you. It is worse than an episode of EastEnders! What I really want to know is, what good things are each party going to do for me and my country if they win, every bad thing that has been done in the past is of no real use for the future!

I am always one for thinking positivly, what are the GOOD things that this country has achieved!? Conservatives slogan “Are you thinking what we are thinking?”, No! I am not! I don’t want to be told what to think, I want someone to listen to me! Would “We are thinking what you are thinking” not be a better slogan?? And Labour’s slogan “A Very Simple Choice”, again, are they telling me what to think? huurm, yes they do make it simple don’t they? Was this why Tony Blair was so easily swayed to go to war because George Bush told him, it is “A Very Simple Choice”! So it leaves me with no choice but to vote for Liberal Democrats who seem to be “The Nice Guys” telling us plainly what they are going to do for me and my country without putting the other parties down.

“Are you thinking what we are thinking?” –UK Conservative Political Party Election Slogan

Is it just me or does anyone actually watch or find anything of interest on the second disk that comes with nearly every DVD movie these days? It seems that everyone and their mum is bringing out “special edition two-disk set” movies! I would personally prefer it if they left out the second DVD and reduced the cost. In my experience the second disk usually contains a few photos, some more credits, a tribute to Aunt Nelly, adverts for the movie computer game, if you are lucky some out-takes and a whole other version of the same film with the director/actors talking over it…which is another thing! That whole movie commentary thing, ’tis a nice idea but I have never felt the need to sit through the exact same movie again with people talking over it. These things are there to look like ‘value-add’ but I am onto the movie makers - I know their game! Well… that was a funny Jimbo rant! - I just wanted to get it off my chest! Who knows maybe it is just me who is getting old and becoming Scrooge like, everyone may love 2 disk DVD’s, but if I don’t say anything I may never find out if there is anyone else with the same weight on their mind!

“The things that will destroy us are: politics without principle; pleasure without conscience; wealth without work; knowledge without character; business without morality; science without humanity; and worship without sacrifice.” –Gandhi