Posted by James Saunders on 14th December 2006
I am going to attempt to document the extremely complicated calculations which are to be run through each time a male goes to a public toilet.
1) Unlike women, men NEVER go to the toilet together; the reason for this not instantly apparent but will be explained later. If another male you know is in the toilet you must wait until he returns.
2) Choosing the correct urinal is very important, and quite a art. To try and explain how such a puzzle is overcome, I will give you a selection of scenarios along with their correct choice of urinal.
There are 6 urinals U1, U2, U3, U4, U5, U6:
- Scenario A - No urinals are in use.
Urinal Choice: U1 - You use the urinal closest to the door.
- Scenario B - U1 is in use, all others are free.
Urinal Choice: U6 - Choose the furthest urinal from the one in use.
- Scenario C - U1 is being used by a big beefy biker guy and U6 by a small business man.
Urinal Choice: As there is no middle urinal in this scenario, you are forced to make some further calculations based on a quick judgement of character of the 2 current users, in this case you would use U4, the furthest from the big beefer but not right next to the business man.
- Scenario D - U1, U4 and U6 are all in use, each by drunken clubbers.
Urinal Choice: In this scenario you are forced to stand next to someone, U5 is discounted as you would have to be directly between two guys, leaving either U2 or U3 to be short-listed based on the least likely neighbour to spray on your shoes.
The reason why men do not go to the toilet together is because this may interfere with the calculations above, if two men are trying to select the correct urinal at the same time, things may get very confusing.
4) It is a common myth that men do not talk to each other in the toilet, this is not 100% true, there are a few select words which are permitted, these include “ol’right?”, “ta”, “thanks” and “after you” all of which could be appended with “mate”. Not a word should be mentioned nor a head movement made whilst using a urinal.
5) Of course it goes without saying men ALWAYS wash their hands! What they may not do is dry them with towel or dryer after, some men (Simon) may use their trowsers to dry their hands.
So, what do women really talk about when they go to the loo together?
“When someone follows you all the way to the shop and watches you buy toilet roll, you know your life has changed.” –Jennifer Aniston