I am going to attempt to document the extremely complicated calculations which are to be run through each time a male goes to a public toilet.

1) Unlike women, men NEVER go to the toilet together; the reason for this not instantly apparent but will be explained later. If another male you know is in the toilet you must wait until he returns.

2) It may be quite obvious but never the less it is important to note that if you need a ‘forest gump’ you use a cubicle, if you need a ‘jimmy riddle’ you would use the urinals. Easy so far.

2) Choosing the correct urinal is very important, and quite a art. To try and explain how such a puzzle is overcome, I will give you a selection of scenarios along with their correct choice of urinal.

There are 6 urinals U1, U2, U3, U4, U5, U6:

• Scenario A - No urinals are in use.
  Urinal Choice: U1 - You use the urinal closest to the door.
• Scenario B - U1 is in use, all others are free.
  Urinal Choice: U6 - Choose the furthest urinal from the one in use.
• Scenario C - U1 is being used by a big beefy biker guy and U6 by a small business man.
  Urinal Choice: As there is no middle urinal in this scenario, you are forced to make some further calculations based on a quick judgement of character of the 2 current users, in this case you would use U4, the furthest from the big beefer but not right next to the business man.
• Scenario D - U1, U4 and U6 are all in use, each by drunken clubbers.
  Urinal Choice: In this scenario you are forced to stand next to someone, U5 is discounted as you would have to be directly between two guys, leaving either U2 or U3 to be short-listed based on the least likely neighbour to spray on your shoes.

The reason why men do not go to the toilet together is because this may interfere with the calculations above, if two men are trying to select the correct urinal at the same time, things may get very confusing.

4) It is a common myth that men do not talk to each other in the toilet, this is not 100% true, there are a few select words which are permitted, these include “ol’right?”, “ta”, “thanks” and “after you” all of which could be appended with “mate”. Not a word should be mentioned nor a head movement made whilst using a urinal.

5) Of course it goes without saying men ALWAYS wash their hands! What they may not do is dry them with towel or dryer after, some men (Simon) may use their trowsers to dry their hands.

So, what do women really talk about when they go to the loo together?

“When someone follows you all the way to the shop and watches you buy toilet roll, you know your life has changed.” –Jennifer Aniston

Over the last few winter weeks Elmo (the car) has really been making his tiredness known, the poor chap has driven over 170,000 miles through rain, snow and scorching heat. Elmo has always suffered from circulatory problems of some kind or another, heating intermittent, radiator fan blew, cooling fluid leak and thermostat breaking. Although he was my ‘trusty steed’ it was decided that it is only fair to find a new car and let him rest.

Searching for a new car is not easy when you do not know what to look for (I now know how hard it is for people to buy a computer when not ‘in the know’). To make things harder the car sales field it saturated with nasty, rude and sneaky car sales men who’s only quest in life is to collect the mighty pound (that is not a generalization against them all, as I am sure there are loads of nice car sales men out there, and women for that matter!).

This Sunday my Dad and I saw a newer VW Golf at quite a good price in Eastbourne, all looked very good but Claire and I wanted confirmation that this was the right car for us to buy, and so we prayed about it on Monday morning just before I left for work. God did not take long to answer our prayer, for just as I drove into work Elmo died, his little alternator heart was broken, and so the decision to buy the new car was confirmed!

However, I still needed to get home from work somehow and so I called the AA to come out and have a look over Elmo in the NTL car park, there was not much that could be done, without spending loads of money, but charge the battery as much as possible and drive home in the daylight and hope it lasts… it did not last! 5 minutes away from home, just as I approached the roundabout to the bottom of the M275, Elmo died again! After just about managing to coast to the edge of the roundabout I called the AA for the 2nd time, who, this time, put a spare battery on the passenger seat with cables out the window and under the bonnet and followed me home, which is where little Elmo now rests, safe in the knowledge that his younger sibling Golf, already named Kermit, will allow him his well earned respite.

“Elmo loves you!” –Elmo, Sesame Street